I hate Good-byes (long post)

Be forewarned. Extremely long post.

I toss and turn the whole nite yesterday. Watched the sky turn from midnight blue to sky blue till it was time for me to get up and go to work. Today, she's leaving Selangor for good for her new job in another state…and I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

Rewind back 2 years ago, we met and became good friends. Back then, I never thought I would get involve with her. From our friendship we find comfort and companionship with each other. Both of us became 'makan-kaki' as we each had to eat dinner alone before this. We would talk about anything and everything under the sun. We would meet up almost everyday and even Wednesday was our official "Movie Night" at Pyramid.

I recall after one our company's annual dinner, we went to Starbucks for coffee and tiramisu till it 11pm. After that, she drop by at my apartment to watch a vcd and then we actually chatted till it was 8am in the morning, both of us still in our eveningwear.

Spending so much time together, our friendship eventually draws questions into our minds. Sexual tension was bound to happen sooner or later. But back then, nothing like that happen. Even tho we both enjoy spending time together and both of us like each other..there was something in the way. So why didn’t we hit it off? Why didn’t our friendship turn into something more intimate, something more passionate? Why didn’t we become a couple?

Here's why....she has a boyfriend.

He works in another state and sees her in the weekends. Hell even my mom likes her. Eventho she doesnt know what's going on, my mom keeps telling me, "She's a nice girl, show a little sincerity and let her know your feelings…I'm sure she'll dump him for you." What a supportive mother. Love her for this.

Everything was going so well for our friendship…till the day we played the game "What if" while on our day trip to Melaka. I asked her "What if I tell you that I've feelings for you..feelings that crosses the 'friendship line'?" She replied "If I meet you and my boyfriend at the same time, and both of you ask me to be your/his girlfriend, I would've chosen you."

So why didn’t we pursue the possibility of a more serious and promising relationship? She told me she's confused at times, and sad at the fact that she only meet me after being with him for so many years. She didn’t regret in her relationship with her boyfriend. It's just that she's happy being with me, and thinks I'll make a better life companion…but she told me she cant leave him as they've been through too much together. Imagine this, they have a joint savings account and a group insurance. And he's even staying with her parents back at her hometown too.

Both of them got the usual problems that couple faced. However, they have a strong relationship going on. I didn’t have the heart to break their relationship. Come to think about it, I dont think I'm able come between them even if I want to. So I know unless he leaves her 1st, she won’t leave him. We know we'll both be stuck in a relationship that wont last. So we went on, just being friends…somehow, somewhere…we actually became like a couple. Despite knowing we won’t be together in the end, we were doing things couples normally do. Having intimate moments together, holding hands, kissing..and sometimes she even stays overnight at my place. Yes I know, I'm a bastard. Being in a third party position sucks and I got no excuse for being in one, so I'm not even gonna justify myself for doing what I did in my blog.

Rewind to Friday, that was the last day we were together. After dinner we spent the last few hours cuddling, chatting and recalling the memorable moments we had together last time. Spent the rest of the time doing my usual nagging-mom-style asking her to take care of herself, etc. We had to say goodbye eventually. She has to pick him up from the bus station as he was coming over to help her pack her stuff and travel with her. In the end, it was time for her to leave. I hugged her and we had our last kiss. Tears broke out. It was such a pain to say goodbye, but both of us knew what we're getting into at the start. Only thing that we’ll have is memories.

But I think that's enough, as it'll last a lifetime...